The things I will never say to you

Today you messaged me, after 5 days of silence. Not because we had had a fight or you were out of the country. In fact you had just returned to Nigeria after being away for 2 weeks. You even knew that my father had just had emergency surgery, but here we are. You sent me a non descript 'hey how are things' message after 5 days of silence. I laughed when I read it because it means nothing that you were busy working over the weekend in the same state as I am, it means nothing that you had clients over the 2 weeks you were away.

I actually feel sorry for you mister. You are unable to connect with anyone who isn't you. You think you are average and normal but you are difficult and hard. You think you are giving and easy to manipulate but you are inflexible and selfish in all things. Your physical fitness is just vanity and insecurity because no one would take a bullet for you. Your so called friends make jokes about you when you aren't there, and they aren't flattering.

You were unable to make me fall for you even though technically, at least on paper you are my kind of guy. Intelligent, conscientious, hard working, musical, unafraid of difference. Yet, you do not play well with others. I have seen what affection is and you can't pretend that you can replicate it. I never want to be an inconvenience in the life of the person I care about. An annoying reality. I deserve true affection, pure devotion and insane lust.

The long and short of it is that if you hadn't messaged me you would have found out that I was leaving the country from my departure note to friends on Facebook because you couldn't even remember my departure date (which we talked about).

Good luck in your endeavors douchebag, you aren't even worth me saying all this to your face.

Even if I wanted to, I can't. Even if I want to I don't

Yeah so I haven't written in a while cos Christmas and New Years and valentines tend to be a tough time on the old girl. Being perennially single and surviving this period is a bit of an art form. I'm getting much more adept at it.

You'll be pleased to know that I now have abs... My time in Brooklyn started my journey into very regular work outs and eating well. Haven't given up cake... Cos it's not that serious.

I did however give up the guy who took me on those epic dates. Learned a painful lesson. If a guy gives you any indication that he isn't in the right place for a relationship, believe him. I've deleted his number and messages. I also deleted and blocked the numbers of all the 'hey you' men in my life. I am not getting any younger and I don't have the patience to entertain 'let's be friends' types. I have fantastic female friends. Stay in your lane.

I may have fallen for someone but since I'm still stuck in Nigeria there's no point exploring if the feelings are worth the push unless I actually move back to the states. He makes me feel beautiful though, and that's new for me. I know I'm not a bad looking girl but it's nice to know that someone who isn't your mother and is all sorts of hot thinks that you are 'unbelievably sexy'. Sigh. Enough of that. Let's see how it goes. Oh and did I mention that he's a couple of years younger than me ? Double sigh.

Let's be friends and other lies you've been told

So in the usual manner, things didn't work out with Mr EPic. Oh I genuinely had hope this time, I mean, there was even a part two of Epic weekend where we had more dinners, saw another show and did lots of other seemingly romantic things.

I should add a disclaimer, there was no kissing or hand holding and after a while I got a very strong friend zone vibe... Ah well you can't blame a girl for trying. I had a wee cry, got a little upset and gave myself a good talking to.

Basically, he has decided that I am not worth the effort of a 6 month long distance relationship. Or maybe he has, he has not related this to me. Which is fine I guess. What isn't fine is that he wants us to be friends and carry on like there was no attraction between us at all. I am very sorry but I am not a robot! I can't just switch off my emotions because you can't be bothered to flatter me with your attentions.

So in summary, I will not be calling Mr Epic, but I will be responding to his calls and / texts if he bothers. You can't have your cake and eat it.

Besides I am going back on my fast...no more, no more .

Words to epic weekend

So, dear 5 readers on the inter web, I think I've gone and done it this time! So I was minding my own business a few weeks ago and my ex invited me to his family's place in jersey ... Calm down, calm down..... Calm down!  

I would need to do three posts to explain why I could never be with my ex again. In summary he is a nice person, but I wouldn't trust him with anything.

So where was I. We were picked up from the station by a nice young man who happens to be my exe's cousin who apparently lived with them in Nigeria back in the day. I had zero recollection of him. As expected. By the end of the weekend it was clear that they were not cut of the same cloth and I took his number and promised to force him down to Brooklyn for his birthday weekend. 

1. He has male friends... Who threw him a party the weekend before epic weekend.

2. He found out my fave movie and booked the show on Broadway for us

3. I don't have to force him to volunteer information about himself 

4.  He is patient and kind without being sickly sweet.

5. I love the sound of his voice. This gentl e lilting, giggling thing .

6 I could list his qualities all day but, he has a strange attachment to this Zelda belt (which is cute, but it's an awful belt)

I have it bad... We walked, we ate, we talked, we flirted, we churched, we saw a show. I'm actually terrified of how much I like this guy. Which as you know is probably a disaster waiting to happen . Tears.

Epic epic epic... Did I say epic, weekend!

Define Awkward

Since my last post, there have been developments and there have been developments. Manwhore has become even more unattractive as the weeks have progressed. I attended a party with him and the girlfriend (you know, the big one who's super bossy) and had a great time! Mostly because another friend of manwhore's who he hasn't slept with was there. An absolutely lovely girl who I've become good friends with.

Turns out that I am not the only one who thinks that manwhore needs to grow up. And not only regarding his inability to remain single and develop male friendships. Our other flatmate who I have a minor crush on thinks and I quote 'manwhore is a nice guy, but it's difficult to plan anything social in advance with him'.  

Earlier in the week I saw Olafur Arnalds in Kiasmos which was beyond amazing . Turns out that my crush also loves Olafur. But that is not my story. On that day the concert ended at about 1130 so in my mind the J would turn up and I'd be in Bed Stuy by midnight. wRONG!!!!!! Waited for the train for over an hour and got home at after 1 am. You would have thought that my ex bestie (manwhore) would have texted to find out if I was ok, seeing as he was actually home and I never go out late on a the weeday...But no. So I may have said something a little catty to him the next morning. 

I stewed on my reaction to his behavior all day and decided that it wasn't worth the emotion I was bringing to it. Clearly he doesn't pay much mind to my well being and I need to be a big girl and take care of myself (as usual). I don't think our friendship will ever be the same since I found out that he is actually married.... 

I'll let you try and figure that one out.

Open letter to my favorite manwhore

Right.  I have not written in eons because as usual life has been tossing me all over the place whilst happening!  I am currently living with my ex from a million years ago for a few months.  You may remember him as the 'whore' from the earlier posts... You know... the one who was dating 'big tits girl'. Anyway, he (and I now), live in New York. Yay!

So when I mentioned to my girlfriends what the living situation for my trip to NYC was, they all jumped to the conclusion that somehow I would end up in the young man's bed. And/ fall in love with the fool.  Dear readers it took me a week to come to the conclusion that the above forementioned will NEVER happen. 

In the four weeks that we have cohabited I have met 4 of his girlfriends/ ex girlfriends whom he is currently on excellent terms with. They come over to watch TV, use the printer, he helps them with their taxes... (they are all caucasian but that is by the by).  I have known the blaguard since we were in diapers so even my brief dalliance with him was very very measured.  Do not get me wrong, I love the man to death.  But our nethers will not be meeting in the nearest future. 

Since we parted, I have been, as you know, unsuccessful in my pursuit of a life partner and he has taken an alternative course. In that he has shagged his way through the 5 borros.  I can love you and not need herpes and he isn't my type (read, he is not Michiel Huisman).  I find it interesting though that although we are still great friends, brother and sister to anyone's eyes, he may feel that I don't approve of his general behaviour.  I did some thinking about this and I think what it is is that whilst I am more or less used to being 'on my own'; I've never had a 'we' situation going on to be honest, he has always had 'someone' since we broke up 11 years ago.  The sort of fear being with someone would bring to me (and it is something I do want btw), he has never experienced. Basically, he would be terriffied of being single.  This explains why he attempted to break up with his current girlfriend and failed.  The break up didn't make it to 48 hours without him staying over.  Then there was the 'it's complicated' phase and now has come acceptance.

So dear relatives and friends who were hoping we would get back together, read my lips.  I don't want herpes.