Will not be token

I spent a week with a dear friend who is one of the few people I could actually say understands what it is like being me. She is also 31, immigrant, female, black, a professional, single and christian living in America. We have both made mistakes in the past and are quite self sufficient.
We discussed many things and one of the things that saps a lot of the pep from our sails is the feeling of being the token black person in predominantly white spaces. There are conversations you just don't have when you are the only black person in white spaces. You decide that it isn't worth constantly explaining why some things are never ok. You decide that there is a line you won't cross in sharing your personality or what interests you for fear of appearing 'too good' or 'too bad' in the eyes of your colleagues.  You laugh less, because often your jokes/ what is funny to you is colored by your personal experience and you can't be bothered to explain that there is no good translation for why you are giggling.  Most of all, you are tired of subtle or unsubtle micro aggressions against you or those who look like you and are stuck in the same position as you.
In the last 6 months since Trump has been president my parents call me weekly... in my entire adult life my parents have never seen the need to call me this frequently and I should remind you that I went to boarding school at 15, They know how to live without me.  They are constantly concerned about if I am being treated well.  I reminded them this weekend that the incidence of racism hasn't changed because Trump is president.  The change is that people have been emboldened to stop pretending that they are ok with people who do not look like them having the same opportunities as they do. 
Being the token person means sometimes that you aren't allowed to be drunk or fail in any way because your entire race is seen as fallen, failures, ne'er do wells at baseline.  You start to ask yourself what parts of your personality are real and what parts are the ones you put up to cope with the whiteness and its pervasiveness about you.  I read an article about a lady who adopted two black children and how she had to change churches because of the overt and often covert racism directed at her children.  I laughed out loud in my care. First of all, why, does she have to be the one to tell this story!!!! Why is this a thing in 2017? It is a thing that black bodies have known forever. Being good enough is entirely relative when you are seen as subpar because of your skin. So now she knows what it is like to feel like every black mother in America.  Welcome to the club.  As a Christian it pained me deeply because church for me has always been a safe space.  But here, in the US I am still a minority in my church and that isn't because this is a town without minorities, it is because and rightly so, there is often a deep distrust of majority white spaces by black people here.  I didn't have to think about this in England, even though it (my church) was probably, statistically made of mostly people of european heritage with smatterings of east asians and africans, bound by the forgiveness Christ gives of the sins of colonialism.  My thoughts here are something I wish I could share with my fellow American Christian sisters but I don't know that I can.  I probably can with my friend Jess who lived in England with me or Jo who was the same because they have been 'radicalized' . 
Back to the church thing, I didn't feel 'normal' in the first church I attended here even though it was solid on bible teaching.

Catch me, I'm falling

I haven't been able to bring myself to write in the last few months because I've been trying this new thing of being present and in the moment. Ha! let's just say that my priorities have changed.  I started watching 'private practice' again and I guess now I remember why I stopped watching it... too many triggers.  It is basically one epic trigger for me. You meet Addison who looks great on paper and is a good friend and person, she wants certain things you know?  She wants to be loved and have a family of her own. And somehow, so far so not so lucky.  I forget how it ends, her story.  The last few months for me have been about learning about my limits.  I slept with 'epic' guy and then decided a week later that I wanted nothing to do with him. It wasn't so much that I regretted the act... I've been entirely tired of being a virgin for a long time. I just knew that I couldn't deal with being with a guy that didn't want me as much as I wanted him. So I did the usual things... deleted him from my entire existence. And then proceeded to tell him what I was doing, naturally, he asked why, and I told him the truth. We wanted different things. He sent me a message at Christmas in his usual excessively cheerful tone... I responded with 'merry christmas'. No emojis. Since then I got lured into joining an online dating site. Disaster. I am too old fashioned for this stuff and 95% of my matches are white.  Not that this matters to me, I've lived all over ... but in Trump's America in a Trump state... what are my chances of meeting someone who will appreciate my personality and look at my skin as not some kind of curse?  One of my closest friends says I should focus on the positives in my life and pray and ask God for what I want.  Here goes... Dear Lord I am grateful I can afford to live alone, at the same time I want to have someone who would say to me when I got home 'how was your day my love?' and kiss me and mean it.


PPS... I also deleted the younger guy in the previous post.... 1 week ago and I am just recovering from stress eating about it.

Two cheers to change

Seeing as my last post was unbelievably dark, dear 5 readers on the interweb I am fine. I didn't send that message to the boy it concerned. I sent him a 4 line good bye and good luck message whilst flying over Iceland on my way back to the states. I am no longer in touch with him.

Since then the younger American guy and I have clarified things... Read, I want a relationship and he doesn't have the energy for one at the moment so we will remain friends.

Sometimes I fear that I may be too severe in my ending of these dalliances but then it's because I don't have the heart to lie to myself. I'm not old, I'm 30 and in good health and I love my family and my job. Anyone who isn't adding to that doesn't deserve me.

Quick heads up ... Mr Epic might be coming to visit me next weekend. I have done my very best NOT to seem too excited by it and at the same time not to be repulsed by it. In my minds eye this is his last chance... This will determine really if I will be permanently deleting his number or not.

Can I get two cheers for change?

The things I will never say to you

Today you messaged me, after 5 days of silence. Not because we had had a fight or you were out of the country. In fact you had just returned to Nigeria after being away for 2 weeks. You even knew that my father had just had emergency surgery, but here we are. You sent me a non descript 'hey how are things' message after 5 days of silence. I laughed when I read it because it means nothing that you were busy working over the weekend in the same state as I am, it means nothing that you had clients over the 2 weeks you were away.

I actually feel sorry for you mister. You are unable to connect with anyone who isn't you. You think you are average and normal but you are difficult and hard. You think you are giving and easy to manipulate but you are inflexible and selfish in all things. Your physical fitness is just vanity and insecurity because no one would take a bullet for you. Your so called friends make jokes about you when you aren't there, and they aren't flattering.

You were unable to make me fall for you even though technically, at least on paper you are my kind of guy. Intelligent, conscientious, hard working, musical, unafraid of difference. Yet, you do not play well with others. I have seen what affection is and you can't pretend that you can replicate it. I never want to be an inconvenience in the life of the person I care about. An annoying reality. I deserve true affection, pure devotion and insane lust.

The long and short of it is that if you hadn't messaged me you would have found out that I was leaving the country from my departure note to friends on Facebook because you couldn't even remember my departure date (which we talked about).

Good luck in your endeavors douchebag, you aren't even worth me saying all this to your face.

Even if I wanted to, I can't. Even if I want to I don't

Yeah so I haven't written in a while cos Christmas and New Years and valentines tend to be a tough time on the old girl. Being perennially single and surviving this period is a bit of an art form. I'm getting much more adept at it.

You'll be pleased to know that I now have abs... My time in Brooklyn started my journey into very regular work outs and eating well. Haven't given up cake... Cos it's not that serious.

I did however give up the guy who took me on those epic dates. Learned a painful lesson. If a guy gives you any indication that he isn't in the right place for a relationship, believe him. I've deleted his number and messages. I also deleted and blocked the numbers of all the 'hey you' men in my life. I am not getting any younger and I don't have the patience to entertain 'let's be friends' types. I have fantastic female friends. Stay in your lane.

I may have fallen for someone but since I'm still stuck in Nigeria there's no point exploring if the feelings are worth the push unless I actually move back to the states. He makes me feel beautiful though, and that's new for me. I know I'm not a bad looking girl but it's nice to know that someone who isn't your mother and is all sorts of hot thinks that you are 'unbelievably sexy'. Sigh. Enough of that. Let's see how it goes. Oh and did I mention that he's a couple of years younger than me ? Double sigh.

Let's be friends and other lies you've been told

So in the usual manner, things didn't work out with Mr EPic. Oh I genuinely had hope this time, I mean, there was even a part two of Epic weekend where we had more dinners, saw another show and did lots of other seemingly romantic things.

I should add a disclaimer, there was no kissing or hand holding and after a while I got a very strong friend zone vibe... Ah well you can't blame a girl for trying. I had a wee cry, got a little upset and gave myself a good talking to.

Basically, he has decided that I am not worth the effort of a 6 month long distance relationship. Or maybe he has, he has not related this to me. Which is fine I guess. What isn't fine is that he wants us to be friends and carry on like there was no attraction between us at all. I am very sorry but I am not a robot! I can't just switch off my emotions because you can't be bothered to flatter me with your attentions.

So in summary, I will not be calling Mr Epic, but I will be responding to his calls and / texts if he bothers. You can't have your cake and eat it.

Besides I am going back on my fast...no more, no more .

Words to epic weekend

So, dear 5 readers on the inter web, I think I've gone and done it this time! So I was minding my own business a few weeks ago and my ex invited me to his family's place in jersey ... Calm down, calm down..... Calm down!  

I would need to do three posts to explain why I could never be with my ex again. In summary he is a nice person, but I wouldn't trust him with anything.

So where was I. We were picked up from the station by a nice young man who happens to be my exe's cousin who apparently lived with them in Nigeria back in the day. I had zero recollection of him. As expected. By the end of the weekend it was clear that they were not cut of the same cloth and I took his number and promised to force him down to Brooklyn for his birthday weekend. 

1. He has male friends... Who threw him a party the weekend before epic weekend.

2. He found out my fave movie and booked the show on Broadway for us

3. I don't have to force him to volunteer information about himself 

4.  He is patient and kind without being sickly sweet.

5. I love the sound of his voice. This gentl e lilting, giggling thing .

6 I could list his qualities all day but, he has a strange attachment to this Zelda belt (which is cute, but it's an awful belt)

I have it bad... We walked, we ate, we talked, we flirted, we churched, we saw a show. I'm actually terrified of how much I like this guy. Which as you know is probably a disaster waiting to happen . Tears.