Two cheers to change

Seeing as my last post was unbelievably dark, dear 5 readers on the interweb I am fine. I didn't send that message to the boy it concerned. I sent him a 4 line good bye and good luck message whilst flying over Iceland on my way back to the states. I am no longer in touch with him.

Since then the younger American guy and I have clarified things... Read, I want a relationship and he doesn't have the energy for one at the moment so we will remain friends.

Sometimes I fear that I may be too severe in my ending of these dalliances but then it's because I don't have the heart to lie to myself. I'm not old, I'm 30 and in good health and I love my family and my job. Anyone who isn't adding to that doesn't deserve me.

Quick heads up ... Mr Epic might be coming to visit me next weekend. I have done my very best NOT to seem too excited by it and at the same time not to be repulsed by it. In my minds eye this is his last chance... This will determine really if I will be permanently deleting his number or not.

Can I get two cheers for change?

The things I will never say to you

Today you messaged me, after 5 days of silence. Not because we had had a fight or you were out of the country. In fact you had just returned to Nigeria after being away for 2 weeks. You even knew that my father had just had emergency surgery, but here we are. You sent me a non descript 'hey how are things' message after 5 days of silence. I laughed when I read it because it means nothing that you were busy working over the weekend in the same state as I am, it means nothing that you had clients over the 2 weeks you were away.

I actually feel sorry for you mister. You are unable to connect with anyone who isn't you. You think you are average and normal but you are difficult and hard. You think you are giving and easy to manipulate but you are inflexible and selfish in all things. Your physical fitness is just vanity and insecurity because no one would take a bullet for you. Your so called friends make jokes about you when you aren't there, and they aren't flattering.

You were unable to make me fall for you even though technically, at least on paper you are my kind of guy. Intelligent, conscientious, hard working, musical, unafraid of difference. Yet, you do not play well with others. I have seen what affection is and you can't pretend that you can replicate it. I never want to be an inconvenience in the life of the person I care about. An annoying reality. I deserve true affection, pure devotion and insane lust.

The long and short of it is that if you hadn't messaged me you would have found out that I was leaving the country from my departure note to friends on Facebook because you couldn't even remember my departure date (which we talked about).

Good luck in your endeavors douchebag, you aren't even worth me saying all this to your face.

Even if I wanted to, I can't. Even if I want to I don't

Yeah so I haven't written in a while cos Christmas and New Years and valentines tend to be a tough time on the old girl. Being perennially single and surviving this period is a bit of an art form. I'm getting much more adept at it.

You'll be pleased to know that I now have abs... My time in Brooklyn started my journey into very regular work outs and eating well. Haven't given up cake... Cos it's not that serious.

I did however give up the guy who took me on those epic dates. Learned a painful lesson. If a guy gives you any indication that he isn't in the right place for a relationship, believe him. I've deleted his number and messages. I also deleted and blocked the numbers of all the 'hey you' men in my life. I am not getting any younger and I don't have the patience to entertain 'let's be friends' types. I have fantastic female friends. Stay in your lane.

I may have fallen for someone but since I'm still stuck in Nigeria there's no point exploring if the feelings are worth the push unless I actually move back to the states. He makes me feel beautiful though, and that's new for me. I know I'm not a bad looking girl but it's nice to know that someone who isn't your mother and is all sorts of hot thinks that you are 'unbelievably sexy'. Sigh. Enough of that. Let's see how it goes. Oh and did I mention that he's a couple of years younger than me ? Double sigh.