The only girl in the room

When the idea of writing this post came to me yesterday I wasn't in a good way.  I had just had a conversation with the idiot in which as usual he managed to make me feel like I should be happy with the fact that he was 'nearly' the one.  Sometimes men can be ridiculously insensitive.  Then he has the guile to ask me why I would resent him.  I have learned that it is never wise to answer questions like that when you are angry.  You say the wrong thing and end up giving that person power over you. So I bade him a good night and went for a run and did squats and lifted weights.  Yes, that's how upset I was.

Back to the title.  I have realized for a while now that whilst I may know next to nothing about dating, seeing as I have been single for the majority of my adult life (sigh).  I wonder, what would it be like to be with someone who made you feel like you were THE one.  You didn't have to worry that they were looking out for someone who was more intelligent, more beautiful, sexier, easier to show off?  Why?  Because I want to feel that.  It may seem awfully naive, but I do genuinely want to feel that.  I am a confident person, I am happy with the way I look (in my afro, in my weave).  I am not overweight (I struggle with it, but I am not doing too badly), I am an honest, friendly, trustworthy person... these are my affirmations lol.  I find that if you don't remind yourself that you are worthy, then you won't feel unworthy.  I have the confidence of a girl whose faith is close to her heart.  I love my family dearly, but I do want to feel like the only girl in the room.  Maybe that's what happens when this love malarkey feels right.

With the idiot, my feelings are clear, you cannot doubt that I have a thing for him.  But when we are together, because he has never made any positive affirmation of his feelings for me that didn't require prodding... I never feel settled.  I should just be smart about this, cos I am not getting younger.  There's absolutely no point getting emotionally pummeled for nothing.  The sad part is that when I get upset with him he will spit out how much HIS life has improved by knowing me... then I think to myself, well my life has worsened by knowing you.  But I am too well bred to give him that statement in anger.

So whilst we wish, we wait. I don't think I am asking for too much.  Or maybe, I am.  Don't I deserve to be the only girl in the room?

Well, isn't that the truth!

I have been lazy, there, I said it.  But I have excuses! I've spent the majority of the year in Cross river attempting to get my youth service certificate.  Please note that I didn't say, doing my youth service.  That would be gilding the lilly. For the poor soul who is non-Nigerian and is wondering what on earth I am going on about... this is a period of just under a year that every post graduate Nigerian undertakes to serve the nation.  I could do posts and posts about youth service, so I will just pace myself.  Till then, a short summary of what's been going on since february (SHEESH!!!!).

1.  I WENT AND FELL IN LOVE

Like a silly bird I went and fell for someone.  But in typical fashion, it is fraught with drama and I remain merrily single.  I also learned an awful lot about the dating scene in my beloved land and read a lot of quality nigerian blogs over the year and realized that I have been lazy!  In my defense internet access was very poor.

2.  I MAKE POOR CHOICES WHEN I'M LONELY

Yes, yes I am well human.  I spent a lot of time by myself this year studying for professional exams, and avoiding a certain someone who has given me stress and caused me to 'blow a lot of grammar', chastising myself about my feelings for him.  Basically, I was a mess.  A dignified mess.  Instead of crying and begging him to love me, I left him alone and ate pounded yam and joined the gym and listened to more Olafur Arnalds.  But then...a random distraction in the form of a very cute guy for whom I do not have feelings nearly made me compromise certain things, cough, cough on the basis that I definitely didn't need it at my age. Ha! the joker. Twas a close call.

3. I AM BACK IN LAGOS JUST IN TIME FOR CHRISTMAS!

I know where I am at now, and I feel like I am ready to write again.  There is nothing better than knowing that you are enough.  Warts and all.