I haven't been able to bring myself to write in the last few months because I've been trying this new thing of being present and in the moment. Ha! let's just say that my priorities have changed. I started watching 'private practice' again and I guess now I remember why I stopped watching it... too many triggers. It is basically one epic trigger for me. You meet Addison who looks great on paper and is a good friend and person, she wants certain things you know? She wants to be loved and have a family of her own. And somehow, so far so not so lucky. I forget how it ends, her story. The last few months for me have been about learning about my limits. I slept with 'epic' guy and then decided a week later that I wanted nothing to do with him. It wasn't so much that I regretted the act... I've been entirely tired of being a virgin for a long time. I just knew that I couldn't deal with being with a guy that didn't want me as much as I wanted him. So I did the usual things... deleted him from my entire existence. And then proceeded to tell him what I was doing, naturally, he asked why, and I told him the truth. We wanted different things. He sent me a message at Christmas in his usual excessively cheerful tone... I responded with 'merry christmas'. No emojis. Since then I got lured into joining an online dating site. Disaster. I am too old fashioned for this stuff and 95% of my matches are white. Not that this matters to me, I've lived all over ... but in Trump's America in a Trump state... what are my chances of meeting someone who will appreciate my personality and look at my skin as not some kind of curse? One of my closest friends says I should focus on the positives in my life and pray and ask God for what I want. Here goes... Dear Lord I am grateful I can afford to live alone, at the same time I want to have someone who would say to me when I got home 'how was your day my love?' and kiss me and mean it.
PPS... I also deleted the younger guy in the previous post.... 1 week ago and I am just recovering from stress eating about it.
