Requiem

At the cost of sounding a wee bit even more dramatic than usual... The deed is done. The ship sunk, goodbye my baby doll and what have you. He did it again and as promised I am not taking SHIT from someone who proclaims that he loves me. I will not be a prisoner to wanting to NOT be single. When he was good and treated me well things were fine, but I will not be messed with.

What happened I hear you say? He disappeared again for two days and after copious messages I not only got accused of selfishness, but also of not caring about what happens to him. After a torrent of abuse (directed towards me btw) turns out he had been in some sort of Rta and had made some mistakes at work. All he had to do was say he had had a rough few days, but no...it was effing this and effing that.

Meh, a week later his mother asks me what's up... And I tell her that her son speaks to me in a way I can't repeat in public. She tells me to calm down in essence and be patient with him. 

I know full well I will never go back to him.  Funny thing is everyone assumes I was over reacting. Even my mother and best friends... Once they read the messages he sent me, words like 'sociopath' and 'anger issues', 'deep seated insecurity' and 'immaturity' get thrown about.

Vodka, icecream, chocolate, prayer and lots of psychological thrillers later. I am fine, actually lost some weight, woop! And the idiot knows he can't call me.

When love becomes a full time job

I haven't written in a while because my relationship has been a mess to put it mildly. Had to delete an earlier post cos if by some miracle this relationship works out, I don't think he would forgive me for what I said. That aside, I miss the first four weeks of our togetherness. I miss the excitement in his voice when he heard mine. I miss the genuine concern about wanting to know how I felt no matter how stupid it was. Girls and boys are drastically different. I challenge any boy that says he loves a girl who won't run into the issue of his girl not feeling loved anymore.

I am reading the marriage book by the Lees. I asked the young man to buy himself a copy so we would do it together and be told me in essence that it was a waste of money for us to own two copies SMH!. Ps. He is the one who has been pushing for a quick marriage. I feel we are just not ready for it. The biggish issue being at the moment we are just not communicating effectively. He feels like I have given up on the relationship , and to be honest I have called it quits twice in recent weeks. And I feel like he isn't taking anything I say seriously. I don't feel like he loves me. Surely if he did he wouldn't talk to me in an underhanded fashion? I am being more patient with him than I have been with any single soul I have not been related to. I just hope I am not wasting my time ... Cos if he says another offhanded comment, I don't know what I'll do. And I don't care if I've met his parents or not... I won't be in a doomed marriage. Heaven forbid.

Be still! These Chocolate cravings

I must sincerely apologize to the lovely faithful who read this blog for a severe absence....Life has been kicking me around and I have been developing stronger defenses.

At the moment I'm stuck in a bit of a weird place where I am actually earning money, but nowhere near enough to achieve a level of what I like to call 'peace and quiet'.  One takes an awful lot for granted when living in the West.  You don't have to own a car, you can afford a room somewhere within three hours of where you work (you don't need a house, or a driver, or a generator).  Living in Nigeria as a young person in an unforgiving profession is expensive.  It seems everyone and their goat would like to work for an oil company so that a modicum of independence can be afforded to them.  As an unmarried female, who's parents are still in love and actually talking to each other (yes, broken marriages exist everywhere people), you realize two things:

1.  You can make absolutely NO decisions where the direction of the tide in the family goes, from simple things like travel arrangements to bigger things like... oh let's move to the middle of nowhere so that I'll spend 4 hours plus in traffic everyday to get to work. (btw I am supposed to be studying for professional exams... more on that later) and,

2.  It is very easy to be blamed for all the decisions that DO get taken because obviously, you poor singleton have to still be taken into consideration when these grand plans do occur.

As someone who has always had an independent streak, playing referee and mute at the same time is exhausting.  Praying for silence is a daily task dears, a daily task. However, I have two holidays and potentially three holidays to look forward to this year :)  considering I haven't been on one in two years plus, this is a very welcome addition to what may be a very exciting 2013...

and in other news.... Mark is coming to town again in 22 days, yikes and things are going very well.  I keep pinching myself.  For some unknown reason, he wants me to reach out to our old classmates so that we can 'meet up' as a couple... in my mind that is just inviting kerosene to a fire.  We'll see

Oh, and I have been day dreaming about chocolate ofr 48 hours.... I don't want to get chubby again, heaven help me I work next to a patisserie!

40 days and 40 nights

Happy New Year!

For some reason I decided to watch the farce that is 40 days and 40 nights again.  The first time I watched it I was 15 and in boarding school, and Josh Hartnett was the best thing to happen to female kind since well, Heath Ledger (may his soul rest in peace).  This was just before Orlando Bloom took over as the reigning male heart throb extra-ordinaire.  Man, I digress! sorry.  The premise of the movie is that this chap is meant to go without sex or anything related to sex for the aforementioned period of time and just as he commits to this vow, he meets his love interest. (Cue dramatic music)

Why am I thinking about this fellow's problems.... well, I know that everyone and their dog is getting it on whenever they want and hopefully wearing a condom.  This would be fine, but they also seem to always want to be sharing their exploits in one way or another with the rest of us, which is not fair or helpful.   Some of us (and this number dwindles with every passing minute of the day) have vowed to wait for marriage (and before you ask, that includes oral sex....)  I could go on and on about the responses I have had to endure when this little bit of information pops up in conversation, but I'll stick to a few instead:

Some are convinced it is due to  my lack of opportunity (so, not true, come on, it would be easier for you to just call me ugly to my face!)

Some feel earnestly that I am broken or damaged somehow.... (maybe I am, but not due to lack of sexual activity, I can assure you).

Some are concerned that I will not know what to do when the time comes or that it won't be good (my response usually is, I am sure I don't know what I am missing, and I can assure you I will work extremely hard with my husband to make sure that it is good... I have always been an overachiever)

Some feel I am just trying to be holier than thou. (Trust me, I am not holy, I am not running around like Josh Hartnett seeing naked men everywhere lol, but I do agree with protecting yourself from unnecessary items that can and will turn you on... case in point, certain episodes of True Blood... my mind is twisted, I already said so)

I know I complained about this in an earlier post...'Celibacy and raining' but there is now a newish issue.  When I wrote that post I was single and not attracted to anyone in particular. Well, Mark and I have resolved our differences for now (he didn't die and it's a long story for another day), and heaven help me I do think he's incredibly hot, sigh (fans herself cos it's warm all of a sudden), and funny, and kind and sexy and cute...

I'd better get back to studying, need all the distractions I can get.

And here you'll find what's left of my itty bitty heart

I guess you can only call your heart broken if you actually gave it to someone.  Me, as the title of this blog indicates, is still a little way ways off from that.  Doesn't mean I'm not hurt, oh I'm hurt.
It has been a trying few days people.  I have been pulled and pushed to within the edge of my reasonable mind.  What happened? I hear you ask?  thanks for the consideration people... some of you would also remember that it is now a few days before Christmas and Mark should be changing my life and kissing me senseless every hour on the hour.
WRONG!
This is what happens when you get carried away... for no apparent reason whatsoever, in the year 2012 I have not heard a peep from him in three days.  I don't want to turn into one of those angry stalker girls by leaving him countless messages.
And so, I would like to thank him for his services to humanity.  I will not be making the same mistake twice.
Thankfully Christmas is about our Saviour's birth and hope coming into the world...
Bah Humbug everybody xxx

The three C's

This post is inspired by the travails of a friend of mine who has managed to put herself in a very awkward position... details to come.
Girls are a funny breed, I must admit it. We are entirely unreasonable at the best of times and supposedly reasonable at the worst, and in affairs of love and the heart even the most reasonable of girls  can become utterly unhinged.
My friend happens to be training for iron women events at the moment... yes you heard me, iron woman. To the un-initiated, these are events that test your ability to swim, run and cycle... certain distances against other similarly minded mad people.  She also happens to be a kick-ass doctor and only 26.
So, how does a woman like this end up with a guy that is utterly emotionally unavailable?  Well, maybe you are wiser than I am.  I have spent all of this week talking her down from continuing her relationship with this fellow.  She even traveled to the other side of the world to move on from him.  All of a sudden he cannot live without her and misses her etc etc etc shoot me now!  I love the girl in question so obviously I want her to be free of this fellow and explore new and better things.
What was the problem?  The three Cs
 - Companionship
 - Chemistry
 - Compatibility
They had the first two but not the last one. According to her, you need all three for a relationship to thrive. The problem with monikers like the above is that every couple is different and fixing absolutes on human beings who are very complicated beings requires a level of faith that is well... serious!
Mark and I have had a few constructive arguments in the last few days which are mostly about compatibility.  I had to pause this post because there is a woman outside who is screaming at the top of her lungs.... she saying loud things in Ibo, and a group of people are trying to calm her down, Lagos for you...  I hope inspiration returns soon.

in other news... Mark is on a plane to LOS, now.... :)

How many yards...of husband material?

So, this is my response to a similar post on another website. Seeing as I am supposedly being swept off my feet by Mark. I know I'm not supposed to have a long list of pre-requisites for the man I am supposed to marry. The negotiable and the non- negotiable ones....
I am not fussy about race, but keen on a God fearing boy
I am not fussy about Nigerian ethnicity, but if he is Yoruba that would be a plus since my mother IS fussed
I am not concerned about height but if he were a wee bit taller that would be awesome
I don't have to support his football team but he'd better not be angry if Swansea beats his team silly
I am fussy about drugs, alcohol and nicotine
I am fussy about personal hygiene and unnecessary piercings
It would be nice if you had a good sense of humor but patience is more important
It would be awesome if he was not in the medical profession. My poverty does not need company
Dear Lord I realise this is a lot to ask but it would be great if when I saw him I couldn't think straight...

Right and in the real world I'm a little annoyed at Mark for going out drinking with his nameless, faceless mates and calling me whilst under the influence... Grrrrr