The only girl in the room

When the idea of writing this post came to me yesterday I wasn't in a good way.  I had just had a conversation with the idiot in which as usual he managed to make me feel like I should be happy with the fact that he was 'nearly' the one.  Sometimes men can be ridiculously insensitive.  Then he has the guile to ask me why I would resent him.  I have learned that it is never wise to answer questions like that when you are angry.  You say the wrong thing and end up giving that person power over you. So I bade him a good night and went for a run and did squats and lifted weights.  Yes, that's how upset I was.

Back to the title.  I have realized for a while now that whilst I may know next to nothing about dating, seeing as I have been single for the majority of my adult life (sigh).  I wonder, what would it be like to be with someone who made you feel like you were THE one.  You didn't have to worry that they were looking out for someone who was more intelligent, more beautiful, sexier, easier to show off?  Why?  Because I want to feel that.  It may seem awfully naive, but I do genuinely want to feel that.  I am a confident person, I am happy with the way I look (in my afro, in my weave).  I am not overweight (I struggle with it, but I am not doing too badly), I am an honest, friendly, trustworthy person... these are my affirmations lol.  I find that if you don't remind yourself that you are worthy, then you won't feel unworthy.  I have the confidence of a girl whose faith is close to her heart.  I love my family dearly, but I do want to feel like the only girl in the room.  Maybe that's what happens when this love malarkey feels right.

With the idiot, my feelings are clear, you cannot doubt that I have a thing for him.  But when we are together, because he has never made any positive affirmation of his feelings for me that didn't require prodding... I never feel settled.  I should just be smart about this, cos I am not getting younger.  There's absolutely no point getting emotionally pummeled for nothing.  The sad part is that when I get upset with him he will spit out how much HIS life has improved by knowing me... then I think to myself, well my life has worsened by knowing you.  But I am too well bred to give him that statement in anger.

So whilst we wish, we wait. I don't think I am asking for too much.  Or maybe, I am.  Don't I deserve to be the only girl in the room?

Well, isn't that the truth!

I have been lazy, there, I said it.  But I have excuses! I've spent the majority of the year in Cross river attempting to get my youth service certificate.  Please note that I didn't say, doing my youth service.  That would be gilding the lilly. For the poor soul who is non-Nigerian and is wondering what on earth I am going on about... this is a period of just under a year that every post graduate Nigerian undertakes to serve the nation.  I could do posts and posts about youth service, so I will just pace myself.  Till then, a short summary of what's been going on since february (SHEESH!!!!).

1.  I WENT AND FELL IN LOVE

Like a silly bird I went and fell for someone.  But in typical fashion, it is fraught with drama and I remain merrily single.  I also learned an awful lot about the dating scene in my beloved land and read a lot of quality nigerian blogs over the year and realized that I have been lazy!  In my defense internet access was very poor.

2.  I MAKE POOR CHOICES WHEN I'M LONELY

Yes, yes I am well human.  I spent a lot of time by myself this year studying for professional exams, and avoiding a certain someone who has given me stress and caused me to 'blow a lot of grammar', chastising myself about my feelings for him.  Basically, I was a mess.  A dignified mess.  Instead of crying and begging him to love me, I left him alone and ate pounded yam and joined the gym and listened to more Olafur Arnalds.  But then...a random distraction in the form of a very cute guy for whom I do not have feelings nearly made me compromise certain things, cough, cough on the basis that I definitely didn't need it at my age. Ha! the joker. Twas a close call.

3. I AM BACK IN LAGOS JUST IN TIME FOR CHRISTMAS!

I know where I am at now, and I feel like I am ready to write again.  There is nothing better than knowing that you are enough.  Warts and all.

It's been a while, but here we are

I have fought against reverting to type... but old habits die hard.  Haven't written in an age because I am now fully entrenched in the horror that is NYSC. I survived camp and was blessed enough to go back to England immediately after for some r and r shhhhhhhh!
Anyhoo, on the lack of loving front.
I have met someone, ish. But in my usual fashion, there is something wrong with him.  Trust me to fall for a guy who's last serious commitment ended in death.  Yes you heard me... sigh.  He dates a girl for three years, proposes when he turns 30 and she dies in a car accident.  6 months later I arrive to entertain him cos really I reckon that is all I am doing at the moment.  Even if by some magic of the universe this man falls for me, I would be terrified.  Lets assume he decides we should date for 2 years before he proposes... he will be wanting sex.  I may have omitted to tell him that I am as yet hymenally challenged.  All of a sudden I have been  meeting guys who are not interested in virgins, or maybe it's just a  male doctor thing (story for another day).  I do like him though.  Let's call him Lilu and I reckon he would be progressive enough to let me keep my surname.  Let's see what happens. A memento of our first date (yes I know it was freaking romantic, he held my hand etc, but I am not getting my hopes up):

Chasing Candy

So I have discovered a pattern.

I only ever fall for fellas I know I can't have. It's frightfully inconvenient and I need a cure.

Maybe it stems from not being allowed to eat candy as a kid. Well to be fair I don't even like candy now... However give me a guy who is sexy, imaginative and with some good reason why we can't be together ( e.g. A girlfriend, distance, age disparity) and hey presto I'm a flirting away happily till the penny drops. Well this time I exercised restraint. I did not take his number. His sexy self can stay exactly where he is so I can see straight. 

And in other news I have registered for youth service. 

So... what's wrong with this picture?

Maybe this blog needs more visual aids... I have learned a few things recently, and I must say I am getting a little worried or even more cynical about the possibility of this whole magic love malarkey.
If I hear one more story about a seemingly normal couple where she ends up being beaten black and blue and just 'taking' it because of the black star on one's reputation, then I don't know.  Are we breeding a generation of miscreants, egotistical maniacs and utterly selfish sons?

Why do seemingly normal guys from supposedly good homes feel the need to assert themselves on the women they supposedly love. Where are we going wrong?  Is there something 'missing' from the building of these boys that makes them faulty men?  I have been blessed to be raised by two people who although imperfect, love each other very much.  I have a brother, and I imagine that the way he treats his sisters and mother is a good indication of how he will treat the lady he decides to marry.... if that day ever comes (he is very, how do I say this...short attention span).  I am not of the mind that it is absolutely necessary for a child to be in a two parent family to turn out ok. Some of the most messed up people I have ever met, were raised by two parents.  However, children are all about learned behavior .. these damaged boys must have learned that they had to assert themselves physically or verbally from someone, whether at home, or with extended family or television or the internet ....

I am mentioning all this because my ex is supposedly in anger management.  I have met his family and granted they were on their best behavior .. but I couldn't really suss what the dynamic was with his parents. His father seemed quiet but I am told could blow up and be quite harsh verbally, whilst his mother although a 'saint', can be quite fierce.  Everyone who knows how ugly his messages to me became when we broke up has warned me fairly vehemently not to consider getting back together with him.  They are concerned that I have Stockholm syndrome, that I enjoy the berating.  I must admit that I have had difficulty stopping talking to him.  75 percent of me knows that we can not get back together, and the other bit thinks he can change. I must be a foolish girl, and if I make the mistake of getting back together with him, they will all say... 'I told you so'.  I could not bare that.  Besides, who wants to be with someone who says 'Am home' instead of 'I am home' anyway?

Requiem

At the cost of sounding a wee bit even more dramatic than usual... The deed is done. The ship sunk, goodbye my baby doll and what have you. He did it again and as promised I am not taking SHIT from someone who proclaims that he loves me. I will not be a prisoner to wanting to NOT be single. When he was good and treated me well things were fine, but I will not be messed with.

What happened I hear you say? He disappeared again for two days and after copious messages I not only got accused of selfishness, but also of not caring about what happens to him. After a torrent of abuse (directed towards me btw) turns out he had been in some sort of Rta and had made some mistakes at work. All he had to do was say he had had a rough few days, but no...it was effing this and effing that.

Meh, a week later his mother asks me what's up... And I tell her that her son speaks to me in a way I can't repeat in public. She tells me to calm down in essence and be patient with him. 

I know full well I will never go back to him.  Funny thing is everyone assumes I was over reacting. Even my mother and best friends... Once they read the messages he sent me, words like 'sociopath' and 'anger issues', 'deep seated insecurity' and 'immaturity' get thrown about.

Vodka, icecream, chocolate, prayer and lots of psychological thrillers later. I am fine, actually lost some weight, woop! And the idiot knows he can't call me.

When love becomes a full time job

I haven't written in a while because my relationship has been a mess to put it mildly. Had to delete an earlier post cos if by some miracle this relationship works out, I don't think he would forgive me for what I said. That aside, I miss the first four weeks of our togetherness. I miss the excitement in his voice when he heard mine. I miss the genuine concern about wanting to know how I felt no matter how stupid it was. Girls and boys are drastically different. I challenge any boy that says he loves a girl who won't run into the issue of his girl not feeling loved anymore.

I am reading the marriage book by the Lees. I asked the young man to buy himself a copy so we would do it together and be told me in essence that it was a waste of money for us to own two copies SMH!. Ps. He is the one who has been pushing for a quick marriage. I feel we are just not ready for it. The biggish issue being at the moment we are just not communicating effectively. He feels like I have given up on the relationship , and to be honest I have called it quits twice in recent weeks. And I feel like he isn't taking anything I say seriously. I don't feel like he loves me. Surely if he did he wouldn't talk to me in an underhanded fashion? I am being more patient with him than I have been with any single soul I have not been related to. I just hope I am not wasting my time ... Cos if he says another offhanded comment, I don't know what I'll do. And I don't care if I've met his parents or not... I won't be in a doomed marriage. Heaven forbid.