Will not be token

I spent a week with a dear friend who is one of the few people I could actually say understands what it is like being me. She is also 31, immigrant, female, black, a professional, single and christian living in America. We have both made mistakes in the past and are quite self sufficient.
We discussed many things and one of the things that saps a lot of the pep from our sails is the feeling of being the token black person in predominantly white spaces. There are conversations you just don't have when you are the only black person in white spaces. You decide that it isn't worth constantly explaining why some things are never ok. You decide that there is a line you won't cross in sharing your personality or what interests you for fear of appearing 'too good' or 'too bad' in the eyes of your colleagues.  You laugh less, because often your jokes/ what is funny to you is colored by your personal experience and you can't be bothered to explain that there is no good translation for why you are giggling.  Most of all, you are tired of subtle or unsubtle micro aggressions against you or those who look like you and are stuck in the same position as you.
In the last 6 months since Trump has been president my parents call me weekly... in my entire adult life my parents have never seen the need to call me this frequently and I should remind you that I went to boarding school at 15, They know how to live without me.  They are constantly concerned about if I am being treated well.  I reminded them this weekend that the incidence of racism hasn't changed because Trump is president.  The change is that people have been emboldened to stop pretending that they are ok with people who do not look like them having the same opportunities as they do. 
Being the token person means sometimes that you aren't allowed to be drunk or fail in any way because your entire race is seen as fallen, failures, ne'er do wells at baseline.  You start to ask yourself what parts of your personality are real and what parts are the ones you put up to cope with the whiteness and its pervasiveness about you.  I read an article about a lady who adopted two black children and how she had to change churches because of the overt and often covert racism directed at her children.  I laughed out loud in my care. First of all, why, does she have to be the one to tell this story!!!! Why is this a thing in 2017? It is a thing that black bodies have known forever. Being good enough is entirely relative when you are seen as subpar because of your skin. So now she knows what it is like to feel like every black mother in America.  Welcome to the club.  As a Christian it pained me deeply because church for me has always been a safe space.  But here, in the US I am still a minority in my church and that isn't because this is a town without minorities, it is because and rightly so, there is often a deep distrust of majority white spaces by black people here.  I didn't have to think about this in England, even though it (my church) was probably, statistically made of mostly people of european heritage with smatterings of east asians and africans, bound by the forgiveness Christ gives of the sins of colonialism.  My thoughts here are something I wish I could share with my fellow American Christian sisters but I don't know that I can.  I probably can with my friend Jess who lived in England with me or Jo who was the same because they have been 'radicalized' . 
Back to the church thing, I didn't feel 'normal' in the first church I attended here even though it was solid on bible teaching.

Catch me, I'm falling

I haven't been able to bring myself to write in the last few months because I've been trying this new thing of being present and in the moment. Ha! let's just say that my priorities have changed.  I started watching 'private practice' again and I guess now I remember why I stopped watching it... too many triggers.  It is basically one epic trigger for me. You meet Addison who looks great on paper and is a good friend and person, she wants certain things you know?  She wants to be loved and have a family of her own. And somehow, so far so not so lucky.  I forget how it ends, her story.  The last few months for me have been about learning about my limits.  I slept with 'epic' guy and then decided a week later that I wanted nothing to do with him. It wasn't so much that I regretted the act... I've been entirely tired of being a virgin for a long time. I just knew that I couldn't deal with being with a guy that didn't want me as much as I wanted him. So I did the usual things... deleted him from my entire existence. And then proceeded to tell him what I was doing, naturally, he asked why, and I told him the truth. We wanted different things. He sent me a message at Christmas in his usual excessively cheerful tone... I responded with 'merry christmas'. No emojis. Since then I got lured into joining an online dating site. Disaster. I am too old fashioned for this stuff and 95% of my matches are white.  Not that this matters to me, I've lived all over ... but in Trump's America in a Trump state... what are my chances of meeting someone who will appreciate my personality and look at my skin as not some kind of curse?  One of my closest friends says I should focus on the positives in my life and pray and ask God for what I want.  Here goes... Dear Lord I am grateful I can afford to live alone, at the same time I want to have someone who would say to me when I got home 'how was your day my love?' and kiss me and mean it.


PPS... I also deleted the younger guy in the previous post.... 1 week ago and I am just recovering from stress eating about it.

Two cheers to change

Seeing as my last post was unbelievably dark, dear 5 readers on the interweb I am fine. I didn't send that message to the boy it concerned. I sent him a 4 line good bye and good luck message whilst flying over Iceland on my way back to the states. I am no longer in touch with him.

Since then the younger American guy and I have clarified things... Read, I want a relationship and he doesn't have the energy for one at the moment so we will remain friends.

Sometimes I fear that I may be too severe in my ending of these dalliances but then it's because I don't have the heart to lie to myself. I'm not old, I'm 30 and in good health and I love my family and my job. Anyone who isn't adding to that doesn't deserve me.

Quick heads up ... Mr Epic might be coming to visit me next weekend. I have done my very best NOT to seem too excited by it and at the same time not to be repulsed by it. In my minds eye this is his last chance... This will determine really if I will be permanently deleting his number or not.

Can I get two cheers for change?

The things I will never say to you

Today you messaged me, after 5 days of silence. Not because we had had a fight or you were out of the country. In fact you had just returned to Nigeria after being away for 2 weeks. You even knew that my father had just had emergency surgery, but here we are. You sent me a non descript 'hey how are things' message after 5 days of silence. I laughed when I read it because it means nothing that you were busy working over the weekend in the same state as I am, it means nothing that you had clients over the 2 weeks you were away.

I actually feel sorry for you mister. You are unable to connect with anyone who isn't you. You think you are average and normal but you are difficult and hard. You think you are giving and easy to manipulate but you are inflexible and selfish in all things. Your physical fitness is just vanity and insecurity because no one would take a bullet for you. Your so called friends make jokes about you when you aren't there, and they aren't flattering.

You were unable to make me fall for you even though technically, at least on paper you are my kind of guy. Intelligent, conscientious, hard working, musical, unafraid of difference. Yet, you do not play well with others. I have seen what affection is and you can't pretend that you can replicate it. I never want to be an inconvenience in the life of the person I care about. An annoying reality. I deserve true affection, pure devotion and insane lust.

The long and short of it is that if you hadn't messaged me you would have found out that I was leaving the country from my departure note to friends on Facebook because you couldn't even remember my departure date (which we talked about).

Good luck in your endeavors douchebag, you aren't even worth me saying all this to your face.

Even if I wanted to, I can't. Even if I want to I don't

Yeah so I haven't written in a while cos Christmas and New Years and valentines tend to be a tough time on the old girl. Being perennially single and surviving this period is a bit of an art form. I'm getting much more adept at it.

You'll be pleased to know that I now have abs... My time in Brooklyn started my journey into very regular work outs and eating well. Haven't given up cake... Cos it's not that serious.

I did however give up the guy who took me on those epic dates. Learned a painful lesson. If a guy gives you any indication that he isn't in the right place for a relationship, believe him. I've deleted his number and messages. I also deleted and blocked the numbers of all the 'hey you' men in my life. I am not getting any younger and I don't have the patience to entertain 'let's be friends' types. I have fantastic female friends. Stay in your lane.

I may have fallen for someone but since I'm still stuck in Nigeria there's no point exploring if the feelings are worth the push unless I actually move back to the states. He makes me feel beautiful though, and that's new for me. I know I'm not a bad looking girl but it's nice to know that someone who isn't your mother and is all sorts of hot thinks that you are 'unbelievably sexy'. Sigh. Enough of that. Let's see how it goes. Oh and did I mention that he's a couple of years younger than me ? Double sigh.

Let's be friends and other lies you've been told

So in the usual manner, things didn't work out with Mr EPic. Oh I genuinely had hope this time, I mean, there was even a part two of Epic weekend where we had more dinners, saw another show and did lots of other seemingly romantic things.

I should add a disclaimer, there was no kissing or hand holding and after a while I got a very strong friend zone vibe... Ah well you can't blame a girl for trying. I had a wee cry, got a little upset and gave myself a good talking to.

Basically, he has decided that I am not worth the effort of a 6 month long distance relationship. Or maybe he has, he has not related this to me. Which is fine I guess. What isn't fine is that he wants us to be friends and carry on like there was no attraction between us at all. I am very sorry but I am not a robot! I can't just switch off my emotions because you can't be bothered to flatter me with your attentions.

So in summary, I will not be calling Mr Epic, but I will be responding to his calls and / texts if he bothers. You can't have your cake and eat it.

Besides I am going back on my fast...no more, no more .

Words to epic weekend

So, dear 5 readers on the inter web, I think I've gone and done it this time! So I was minding my own business a few weeks ago and my ex invited me to his family's place in jersey ... Calm down, calm down..... Calm down!  

I would need to do three posts to explain why I could never be with my ex again. In summary he is a nice person, but I wouldn't trust him with anything.

So where was I. We were picked up from the station by a nice young man who happens to be my exe's cousin who apparently lived with them in Nigeria back in the day. I had zero recollection of him. As expected. By the end of the weekend it was clear that they were not cut of the same cloth and I took his number and promised to force him down to Brooklyn for his birthday weekend. 

1. He has male friends... Who threw him a party the weekend before epic weekend.

2. He found out my fave movie and booked the show on Broadway for us

3. I don't have to force him to volunteer information about himself 

4.  He is patient and kind without being sickly sweet.

5. I love the sound of his voice. This gentl e lilting, giggling thing .

6 I could list his qualities all day but, he has a strange attachment to this Zelda belt (which is cute, but it's an awful belt)

I have it bad... We walked, we ate, we talked, we flirted, we churched, we saw a show. I'm actually terrified of how much I like this guy. Which as you know is probably a disaster waiting to happen . Tears.

Epic epic epic... Did I say epic, weekend!

Define Awkward

Since my last post, there have been developments and there have been developments. Manwhore has become even more unattractive as the weeks have progressed. I attended a party with him and the girlfriend (you know, the big one who's super bossy) and had a great time! Mostly because another friend of manwhore's who he hasn't slept with was there. An absolutely lovely girl who I've become good friends with.

Turns out that I am not the only one who thinks that manwhore needs to grow up. And not only regarding his inability to remain single and develop male friendships. Our other flatmate who I have a minor crush on thinks and I quote 'manwhore is a nice guy, but it's difficult to plan anything social in advance with him'.  

Earlier in the week I saw Olafur Arnalds in Kiasmos which was beyond amazing . Turns out that my crush also loves Olafur. But that is not my story. On that day the concert ended at about 1130 so in my mind the J would turn up and I'd be in Bed Stuy by midnight. wRONG!!!!!! Waited for the train for over an hour and got home at after 1 am. You would have thought that my ex bestie (manwhore) would have texted to find out if I was ok, seeing as he was actually home and I never go out late on a the weeday...But no. So I may have said something a little catty to him the next morning. 

I stewed on my reaction to his behavior all day and decided that it wasn't worth the emotion I was bringing to it. Clearly he doesn't pay much mind to my well being and I need to be a big girl and take care of myself (as usual). I don't think our friendship will ever be the same since I found out that he is actually married.... 

I'll let you try and figure that one out.

Open letter to my favorite manwhore

Right.  I have not written in eons because as usual life has been tossing me all over the place whilst happening!  I am currently living with my ex from a million years ago for a few months.  You may remember him as the 'whore' from the earlier posts... You know... the one who was dating 'big tits girl'. Anyway, he (and I now), live in New York. Yay!

So when I mentioned to my girlfriends what the living situation for my trip to NYC was, they all jumped to the conclusion that somehow I would end up in the young man's bed. And/ fall in love with the fool.  Dear readers it took me a week to come to the conclusion that the above forementioned will NEVER happen. 

In the four weeks that we have cohabited I have met 4 of his girlfriends/ ex girlfriends whom he is currently on excellent terms with. They come over to watch TV, use the printer, he helps them with their taxes... (they are all caucasian but that is by the by).  I have known the blaguard since we were in diapers so even my brief dalliance with him was very very measured.  Do not get me wrong, I love the man to death.  But our nethers will not be meeting in the nearest future. 

Since we parted, I have been, as you know, unsuccessful in my pursuit of a life partner and he has taken an alternative course. In that he has shagged his way through the 5 borros.  I can love you and not need herpes and he isn't my type (read, he is not Michiel Huisman).  I find it interesting though that although we are still great friends, brother and sister to anyone's eyes, he may feel that I don't approve of his general behaviour.  I did some thinking about this and I think what it is is that whilst I am more or less used to being 'on my own'; I've never had a 'we' situation going on to be honest, he has always had 'someone' since we broke up 11 years ago.  The sort of fear being with someone would bring to me (and it is something I do want btw), he has never experienced. Basically, he would be terriffied of being single.  This explains why he attempted to break up with his current girlfriend and failed.  The break up didn't make it to 48 hours without him staying over.  Then there was the 'it's complicated' phase and now has come acceptance.

So dear relatives and friends who were hoping we would get back together, read my lips.  I don't want herpes.

The promised Post V day post; Have you considered freezing your eggs?

Hello all,

I hope you survived enforced love day!  Update... he still hasn't called.  I made a meagre attempt at messaging him the following... 'I can take a hint, be good to yourself', and just parked my affections there. Thank the good Lord for the ladies at kickboxing... had a really good session on valentines day.  My brother even got me a box of chocolates.... :) . Bless him I think he must have been feeling sorry for me lol.

Now I have been examining myself for a while now and I figured that other than building a life with someone, one of the other major reasons I want a partner is to make babies.  Not sex... (which is lovely i'm told ), the actual kids part.  I tolerate other people's children.  Let me rephrase that, my friends make beautiful babies and I love them.... I have loved them since I was 21 and the first of my friends jumped ship on us, got married and had a baby.  She is now on her third.  I will be 29 soon and the biological clock is real!  I do not want to end up like those ladies who are running through dating someone just to end up marrying a stranger and getting summarily divorced.  Therefore, I am taking things, sort of into my own hands.  I have decided to start saving towards having my eggs harvested at 35.  Just a few kept away for safekeeping so that if I haven't met my life partner at that point, no biggy, I can continue to live my life, and hopefuly a life filled with serving my fellow man.

I realize that this must seem drastic, but you should humor me.... knowing that I want to do this has calmed me a lot!!!!! I am now, released from the pressure of meeting someone in 1 or 2 years whilst i'm moving country and doing a residency and having children immediately! All so that I can beat father time at a game he never looses.

Till next time, friends.  Oh and lest I forget... no more dating for me.  I'm not built for this sort of heartache.  Just gonna chill.

Yoyo dating, yoyo diet, yoyo everything

I might have mentioned a few posts ago that I have taken up kickboxing. I recommend it to any Lagosian female currently attempting to date in the horror that is Lagos.  I decided to be brave and not shy away from writing a pre-valentine and post-valentine post.  I am not bitter. Honest.

So, after my major bust up with 'the idiot', he has done a major 360 and is super solicitous and nice.  Joker, you have been placed in a secure box.  I wish him well. On your way.

I have been working on my fitness and overall appearance of late.  Wearing more daring colours, more daring necklines etc.  The gradual weight loss has really helped.  Portion control over NYSC and regular exercise.  I haven't given up cake, and the instructor at the gym says that when I do that I will reach the promised land.  I told her I dont want to be saved (crying emoji)!!!!!!!

Now down to the meat. So, looking so fab fab these past few days I have encouraged the affections of some people.  This chap BBd me and we went on 5 dates.  5 consecutive dates over a ten day period.  Forgive me for feeling like he was interested.  Forgive me..... please.  We enjoy each other's company, lots of flirting and hand holding and such. I am not the type to call/ demand calls every day (I am a busy girl dontcha know).  Long story short cos I will have to change the title of this blog when I am finally in a relationship, he stands me up twice and does not feel the need to explain himself. So today is Tuesday and he stood me up on Friday.  He did send a frantic text 'sorry!!!!' and that was it.

Obviously when my mum asks me about him I told her the above and she was dumbfounded. My mum is never silent.  Particularly when it comes to me and dating/ the lack thereof.  I thank you Dr JS for silencing my mother.

Since we've started down this road let's just go crazy!

Fishing nearly happened on Sunday (yesterday), but once again, I had prior plans.

Don't look at me like that... I wish I could tell you these prior plans left me feeling giddy with those first flushes of attraction. No.  That would be lying.

So... I was directly messaged by this chap I follow on the instagram.  I like his pictures, very honest, good appreciation of symmetry etc etc. He also added me on twitter, or did I add him.  Doesn't matter.  We started directly messaging each other.  Good sense of humor, doesn't take himself too seriously, well spoken.  Physical attributes, not bad looking, not the tallest person in Nigeria but as you well know, I am an equal opportunity lover.  We make plans to see Saro the musical (which was the BUSINESS!).  My bestie and I were going to go anyway so it was a safe bet for meeting an absolute stranger.

First impressions?  Shy, super laid back, laughs easily (you would be surprised by how many guys find it difficult to laugh at something that is actually funny).  I would even go as far as to say there was some flirting going on on my end at least during the show.  You know what's coming don't you...  So the show ends and it comes to the time where we part.  He walks me over to the car park and then the most awkward parting ceremony ever to be witnessed by man kind! Was it going to be a hug, a pat, or a semi peck on the cheek.  None happened successfully, so he sort of ran off promising that he would call, or was it that he would message or we would see... I am not even sure anymore.

Where did I go wrong Lord... all he needed to do to salvage the sitation was to send a simple message asking if I got home ok and that he had a nice time.  After which he could loose my number if he wished, block me on twitter, instagram and everything else.

HE DID NOT SEND A TEXT.

I don't have a list of rules I follow regarding this dating malarkey.  Just simply, do unto others as you would like them to do to you.  So what do I do?  The next day, I ask (text)  him if he got home ok and if he had a good time.  He responds immediately with yes and general friendliness.

NO.

I have not calmed down yet so I won't write anymore.  I did manage to call the idiot an idiot to his face today.  As usual he brushed it off as 'this girl and her cray cray'.

Well meaning, but

Suffice to say... fishing did not happen.

Onwards and upwards.  A couple of months ago, a married, scratch that, newly married friend decided to give my number to a male friend of hers who is a 'nice guy'.  I can see you rolling your eyes, let me at least finish the story.  Yes, she gave this man, lets call him B my number and the guy texted me.  He lives out in Saudi Arabia... now you are gufawwing like I don't know this sounds ridiculous.  I live in Nigeria.  Anyways... who am I to look a gift horse in the mouth?  We've been chatting, and he seems honest, God-fearing, family oriented, laid back, we have similar music and even movie tastes... on paper this is all looking kosher.  I told myself I would give him a chance and we made plans to meet when he would be visiting Nigeria in December.  It is now December people and the beauty of the anonymity of this blog is that this is the first place I can tell the truth about what happened.

1.  The week before the date he called me... I thought it was fishing guy... they sound alike! I eventually realised who it was as we'd never talked on the phone before.  We set up a time to meet.  The first meet had to be canceled due to a family emergency.  No problem.

2. Final day of date, he takes Lagos traffic for granted and arrives late at the cinema.  And his breath stank!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  He must have eaten something called 'Asun' which is a peppered goat meat concoction that is actually quite tasty, but when you are meeting someone for the first time, NO STRONG SMELLS! Good or otherwise.

3.  Since then we've chatted on and off via text (I'm not having the best of weeks) but he has not called.  More family emergencies.  He isn't lying.  That's just the way it is at the moment.

So how do I feel?  I am not a beleiver in 'sparks' and I confess there were none. With the idiot even when we didn't know each other I knew I was attracted to him, which was why I was giving him a wide berth.  And another thing, we probably won't meet again for him to change his first impression.  And of course, there's the obvious problem.... where would I fit in in the life of a guy who lives in friggin Saudi Arabia. 

If it wasn't my life, I wouldnt believe the things that happen to me either.

Fishing expedition for auction....first time of asking, second time of asking, third?

You probably can't remember this, but a while ago I decided that I was going to go fishing.  Yes, fishing, not for men, not for followers, but for actual honest to goodness, slimy fish.  There are a group of people (I lie, one or two) who fish in Lagos as a hobby and I am going to write about my first experience fishing.  It has already been a failed proposition the first time of asking as I never did get round to meeting up with the lads. Instead I decided to have lunch with by best friend who was very heavily pregnant and getting ready to flee Nigeria, as is the custom for those who can afford it.

The second time of asking, also failed due to the spirit that lives in Lagos known as 'traffic'.  The good men of Lagos have gotten me to the point where I take absolutely everything with two spoons of sugar and some salt.  Why all this heaving and Hoing?... well, there is a boy/ man involved.  We've only talked on the phone a couple of times and let me tell you this... he is uber sexy.  Best part being he laughs heartily and at himself! Meaning my jokes will not go to waste.  We were meant to go out fishing as it were today, but he is supposedly stuck at his factory dealing with contractors and the like.    Well, he could be telling the truth, 2011 author (me) believes that no man that nice sounding on the phone could lie... 2014 author says Meh and smiles.  I make a point of not lying to people... they don't necessarily share my ethos lol.  So... here I am in Cafe Royale whiling away time and hoping that tomorrow... there will be a face and age range attached to said voice and that fish would be caught and it will not rain and I will be my best and charming self.  I am a patient person.

The only girl in the room

When the idea of writing this post came to me yesterday I wasn't in a good way.  I had just had a conversation with the idiot in which as usual he managed to make me feel like I should be happy with the fact that he was 'nearly' the one.  Sometimes men can be ridiculously insensitive.  Then he has the guile to ask me why I would resent him.  I have learned that it is never wise to answer questions like that when you are angry.  You say the wrong thing and end up giving that person power over you. So I bade him a good night and went for a run and did squats and lifted weights.  Yes, that's how upset I was.

Back to the title.  I have realized for a while now that whilst I may know next to nothing about dating, seeing as I have been single for the majority of my adult life (sigh).  I wonder, what would it be like to be with someone who made you feel like you were THE one.  You didn't have to worry that they were looking out for someone who was more intelligent, more beautiful, sexier, easier to show off?  Why?  Because I want to feel that.  It may seem awfully naive, but I do genuinely want to feel that.  I am a confident person, I am happy with the way I look (in my afro, in my weave).  I am not overweight (I struggle with it, but I am not doing too badly), I am an honest, friendly, trustworthy person... these are my affirmations lol.  I find that if you don't remind yourself that you are worthy, then you won't feel unworthy.  I have the confidence of a girl whose faith is close to her heart.  I love my family dearly, but I do want to feel like the only girl in the room.  Maybe that's what happens when this love malarkey feels right.

With the idiot, my feelings are clear, you cannot doubt that I have a thing for him.  But when we are together, because he has never made any positive affirmation of his feelings for me that didn't require prodding... I never feel settled.  I should just be smart about this, cos I am not getting younger.  There's absolutely no point getting emotionally pummeled for nothing.  The sad part is that when I get upset with him he will spit out how much HIS life has improved by knowing me... then I think to myself, well my life has worsened by knowing you.  But I am too well bred to give him that statement in anger.

So whilst we wish, we wait. I don't think I am asking for too much.  Or maybe, I am.  Don't I deserve to be the only girl in the room?

Well, isn't that the truth!

I have been lazy, there, I said it.  But I have excuses! I've spent the majority of the year in Cross river attempting to get my youth service certificate.  Please note that I didn't say, doing my youth service.  That would be gilding the lilly. For the poor soul who is non-Nigerian and is wondering what on earth I am going on about... this is a period of just under a year that every post graduate Nigerian undertakes to serve the nation.  I could do posts and posts about youth service, so I will just pace myself.  Till then, a short summary of what's been going on since february (SHEESH!!!!).

1.  I WENT AND FELL IN LOVE

Like a silly bird I went and fell for someone.  But in typical fashion, it is fraught with drama and I remain merrily single.  I also learned an awful lot about the dating scene in my beloved land and read a lot of quality nigerian blogs over the year and realized that I have been lazy!  In my defense internet access was very poor.

2.  I MAKE POOR CHOICES WHEN I'M LONELY

Yes, yes I am well human.  I spent a lot of time by myself this year studying for professional exams, and avoiding a certain someone who has given me stress and caused me to 'blow a lot of grammar', chastising myself about my feelings for him.  Basically, I was a mess.  A dignified mess.  Instead of crying and begging him to love me, I left him alone and ate pounded yam and joined the gym and listened to more Olafur Arnalds.  But then...a random distraction in the form of a very cute guy for whom I do not have feelings nearly made me compromise certain things, cough, cough on the basis that I definitely didn't need it at my age. Ha! the joker. Twas a close call.

3. I AM BACK IN LAGOS JUST IN TIME FOR CHRISTMAS!

I know where I am at now, and I feel like I am ready to write again.  There is nothing better than knowing that you are enough.  Warts and all.

It's been a while, but here we are

I have fought against reverting to type... but old habits die hard.  Haven't written in an age because I am now fully entrenched in the horror that is NYSC. I survived camp and was blessed enough to go back to England immediately after for some r and r shhhhhhhh!
Anyhoo, on the lack of loving front.
I have met someone, ish. But in my usual fashion, there is something wrong with him.  Trust me to fall for a guy who's last serious commitment ended in death.  Yes you heard me... sigh.  He dates a girl for three years, proposes when he turns 30 and she dies in a car accident.  6 months later I arrive to entertain him cos really I reckon that is all I am doing at the moment.  Even if by some magic of the universe this man falls for me, I would be terrified.  Lets assume he decides we should date for 2 years before he proposes... he will be wanting sex.  I may have omitted to tell him that I am as yet hymenally challenged.  All of a sudden I have been  meeting guys who are not interested in virgins, or maybe it's just a  male doctor thing (story for another day).  I do like him though.  Let's call him Lilu and I reckon he would be progressive enough to let me keep my surname.  Let's see what happens. A memento of our first date (yes I know it was freaking romantic, he held my hand etc, but I am not getting my hopes up):

Chasing Candy

So I have discovered a pattern.

I only ever fall for fellas I know I can't have. It's frightfully inconvenient and I need a cure.

Maybe it stems from not being allowed to eat candy as a kid. Well to be fair I don't even like candy now... However give me a guy who is sexy, imaginative and with some good reason why we can't be together ( e.g. A girlfriend, distance, age disparity) and hey presto I'm a flirting away happily till the penny drops. Well this time I exercised restraint. I did not take his number. His sexy self can stay exactly where he is so I can see straight. 

And in other news I have registered for youth service. 

So... what's wrong with this picture?

Maybe this blog needs more visual aids... I have learned a few things recently, and I must say I am getting a little worried or even more cynical about the possibility of this whole magic love malarkey.
If I hear one more story about a seemingly normal couple where she ends up being beaten black and blue and just 'taking' it because of the black star on one's reputation, then I don't know.  Are we breeding a generation of miscreants, egotistical maniacs and utterly selfish sons?

Why do seemingly normal guys from supposedly good homes feel the need to assert themselves on the women they supposedly love. Where are we going wrong?  Is there something 'missing' from the building of these boys that makes them faulty men?  I have been blessed to be raised by two people who although imperfect, love each other very much.  I have a brother, and I imagine that the way he treats his sisters and mother is a good indication of how he will treat the lady he decides to marry.... if that day ever comes (he is very, how do I say this...short attention span).  I am not of the mind that it is absolutely necessary for a child to be in a two parent family to turn out ok. Some of the most messed up people I have ever met, were raised by two parents.  However, children are all about learned behavior .. these damaged boys must have learned that they had to assert themselves physically or verbally from someone, whether at home, or with extended family or television or the internet ....

I am mentioning all this because my ex is supposedly in anger management.  I have met his family and granted they were on their best behavior .. but I couldn't really suss what the dynamic was with his parents. His father seemed quiet but I am told could blow up and be quite harsh verbally, whilst his mother although a 'saint', can be quite fierce.  Everyone who knows how ugly his messages to me became when we broke up has warned me fairly vehemently not to consider getting back together with him.  They are concerned that I have Stockholm syndrome, that I enjoy the berating.  I must admit that I have had difficulty stopping talking to him.  75 percent of me knows that we can not get back together, and the other bit thinks he can change. I must be a foolish girl, and if I make the mistake of getting back together with him, they will all say... 'I told you so'.  I could not bare that.  Besides, who wants to be with someone who says 'Am home' instead of 'I am home' anyway?